Crying at Funerals
by Kamikazee
Summary: Lindsey visits some family, and remembers.


Crying at Funerals  
  
Author: Kamikazee E-Mail: neo_kamikazee@hotmail.com Rating: PG-13 - for death and swearing Fandom: Angel: the Series Pairing/Characters: Lindsey Spoilers: Through 'Dead End' Summary: Lindsey visits some of his family, and remembers. Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or situations created in Angel: the Series. Non-profit piece of fiction here. Author's Notes: This story is inspired by my favourite Lindsey quote, as well as a personal experience. A lot of Lindsey's reactions were based on things I was feeling when my Grandfather died. So, this fic is a little personal for me.  
  
~  
  
"Well, our files aren't 100 percent, -but I guess it's fair to say that - you've never seen anything like real poverty. I'm talking dirt poor - no shoes - no toilet. Six of us kids in a room, and come flu season it was down to four. - I was seven when they took the house. They just came right in and took it. And my daddy is being nice, you know? Joking with the bastards while he signs the deed. Yeah, so we had a choice. Either you got stepped on or you got to stepping and I swore to myself that I was not going to be the guy standing there with the stupid grin on my face - while my life got dribbled out." Lindsey, Blind Date  
  
Lindsey McDonald stood silently at the foot of the two graves. They were covered with debris: leaves, twigs, even a candy bar wrapper. Dropping to his knees, the man began to remove each thing that was not supposed to be there. When he was done, the lawyer leaned back on his haunches and tried to take it all in.  
  
The grave markers were plain compared to others. A simple plaque in the ground between them, engraved with a simple message. With painstaking care, Lindsey smoothed his one hand over the grooves and ridges. He wouldn't touch his sister or brother's graves with the other one. The one that wasn't supposed to be there.  
  
Letting out a sigh, Lindsey tried to remember where everything went wrong. He tried to remember when he started pushing everything deep inside him, so he didn't have to deal with it. The answer to him was as clear now as the reason he couldn't go back to L.A., and was right in front of him.  
  
Removing his hand from the stone, Lindsey let himself remember when everything had gone from bad to worse.  
  
Sarah Marie McDonald  
1967 - 1979  
God welcomed her with open arms  
  
Robert James McDonald  
1975 - 1979  
Taken far to early, may he find peace in heaven  
  
~  
  
A four-year-old Lindsey McDonald stood with his family, observing everything that went on around him. Everyone was crying. Everyone but Lindsey. Standing there, he stared with a morbid curiosity at the plain wooden coffin in front of his grief-ridden family.  
  
Slowly separating himself from the twins, the small boy moved forward, lifting foot after foot until he was in front of the raised edge. Rising on to the tip of his toes, his hand reached for the edge of the coffin, pulling himself just a little higher. He was about to peek inside when he felt himself yanked back by the collar of his shirt.  
  
"What do you think you're doing?" turning, Lindsey saw the hard, broken face of his father, looming over him. Seeing the tear tracks on the man's face, the boy cringed. His daddy wasn't supposed to cry, it wasn't right.  
  
"I wanted to see mommy," Lindsey answered, with the truth only a child could possess, "I wanted to see if she still looked the same." The boys eyes widened as his father's eyes swelled with tears, he had said the wrong thing again.  
  
The voice that had always symbolized stability and discipline in Lindsey's life cracked at its next words, "Just. just go see Sarah, Lindsey. Okay? Just go see Sarah.." His father trailed off as he turned away from the small boy.  
  
Lindsey complied with his daddy's wishes and looked curiously around the room, looking for his older sister. Seeing the twins and Bobby with Mr. and Mrs. Evans, he kept looking. His eyes finally landed on Sarah, standing in the corner rocking Emma in her arms.  
  
Looking at his newest little sister, Lindsey frowned. Emma wouldn't ever get to see Mommy; it wasn't fair. But, he also was kind of jealous of the baby. Emma didn't understand what was going on, Emma didn't have to understand what was going on.  
  
Shuffling around the legs of all the people in the room, Lindsey's frown deepened. Why were all these people here? They couldn't all be friends of mommy's, could they? He had never seen then before, yet they all looked at him liked they knew him, with the feeling sorry look in their eyes.  
  
Finally reaching his sister, he looked up at the eleven year old. "Sarah?" his question came out, trying to get the attention of the oldest McDonald child." At the mention of her name, the girl looked down, and Lindsey could see the places where the tears had fallen the past few days.  
  
"Yea, Linds?" she replied, sniffling a bit and moving Emma around in her arms, "You want something?" Lindsey could see the tears that were hiding behind his arms and a question popped into his mind. Sarah would know the answer.  
  
"Why is everyone crying but me, Sarah?" the question held all the innocence of someone who really didn't understand, and Sarah McDonald almost broke down in front of her four-year-old brother. She sucked in a quick breath before managing to force something out.  
  
"Well, that's a little hard to say," she knew her voice was shaking, but that couldn't be stopped, "everyone reacts in different ways. I don't know." She was stumbling; she didn't really want to do this. She was only eleven; she wanted her dad to have to take care of this. "I don't know, Linds. Some people cry, and some people don't."  
  
The tears began to run down her face and Lindsey's eyes widened. Sarah looked so young then, so weak that Lindsey didn't know what to do. "Don't cry, Sarah," he told his sister, "I'm sorry. I won't ask anymore questions."  
  
Lindsey was pulled against his older sister, with their younger sister trapped between them. The hug lasted several seconds before Emma began to cry and the two siblings separated. Sarah sniffled a little before giving him a watery smile. "It'll be okay, Linds, I promise."  
  
~  
  
'You shouldn't make promises you can't keep, Sarah," Lindsey thought morosely as he stared down at the grave of his sister and brother. His face was raw at the emotion the lawyer was feeling. He hadn't thought about that in a long time. He would have to go by mom's grave later.  
  
"I tried, Sarah," Lindsey whispered to the grave, hoping that she could somehow hear him, "I tried so hard to be something. I guess I was, though, something. I just wasn't a very good something."  
  
Lindsey let a deep sigh out as he thought of the last words his sister had ever said to him.  
  
~  
  
Lindsey stood blearily, his worn pyjamas hanging limply off of him. Looking around, the six year old was confused at the flashing blue lights illuminating the room. That light shouldn't be here, there electricity had been cut off. It was only when he saw the paramedics that he started to understand.  
  
Bobby and Sarah had been real sick for the past month. Something bad must have happened for daddy to call the hospital, though. Lindsey knew that they didn't have the money for hospital bills. Moving forward, he headed towards the open door on the other side of the room.  
  
They called that the sick room. It was usually the main bedroom, but when flu season came around, the sick kids stayed in there. It was so the rest of them wouldn't get it. Lindsey could see people milling around just inside. They weren't rushing.  
  
It was only as he stood in the doorway that he could hear the paramedics talking. Lindsey couldn't help it; he wanted to hear what was going on. It wasn't like they were trying to be quiet anyway.  
  
He was about to strain his ears when the men stopped. They bent and picked up a side each of something. They quickly walked the covered stretcher past Lindsey. It was to small to be Sarah.  
  
"It's so sad when it happens so young." One of the paramedics muttered. The other nodded in agreement, looking sadly down at the still body.  
  
"It is, man," he answered, "The girl isn't going to last much longer, either. Her father won't even let us take her to the hospital."  
  
He trailed off, looking helplessly at his partner, "Maybe it's better this way," was his reply, "This way, she'll be surrounded by her family, at home."  
  
The second snorted, "Yea this is some home." The sarcasm was unnoticed by Lindsey as he watched them take his little brother away. He didn't think Bobby was coming back.  
  
Turning back, he slowly entered the departed room, looking around carefully before heading towards Sarah. His sister was awake, tears streaming down her cheeks. She was pale and blotchy, and Lindsey could see the sweat mingling with the tears.  
  
Her eyes slowly moved over to him when he sat down beside her. She managed a weak smile before coughing. "Hey, Linds."  
  
Lindsey found her hand among the blankets and held on to it, feeling the bones. "Sarah, I'm not gonna see Bobby no more, am I?" He kept his blue eyes trained on his sister the entire time.  
  
He wasn't sure whether the next noise she made was a cough, a laugh or a sob. Lindsey guessed it didn't really matter. "Bobby's with mommy, okay kid? I'm going there soon, too."  
  
Lindsey's eyes widened at that, and he gripped the hand even tighter, "No, Sarah," he pleaded, "Please, don't leave me. I need you."  
  
Sarah let out another, weaker cough before answering. "It's okay, Lindsey. You don't need me. You'll do just fine. You just need to promise me something, okay?"  
  
Lindsey looked at her serious face before nodding, slowly. "Okay, Linds. Now, you, you're going to promise me that you'll do something with your life; that you'll be something. I want you to get out of here. Promise me. Promise me, Lindsey, that you'll be something."  
  
Lindsey looked at the eager look on his sister's pained face. He brought his other hand up to wipe her hair away from her face before swallowing a shaky breath. "I promise you, Sarah."  
  
Then his sister smiled at him. She squeezed his hand one last time before closing her eyes.  
  
~  
  
He remembered sitting there for fifteen minutes, holding his dead sister's hand. When the paramedics came in, they had to pry him away. He hadn't wanted to let go. Lindsey guessed that he had never really let go.  
  
It was that promise that had gotten him through the next twelve years of his life. The next year they had taken the house. Not much of a loss anyway.  
  
Lindsey remembered working hard in school. He remembered getting the grades through sheer determination. Everyone had said it wouldn't make a difference. He didn't have the money to go to university anyway. He would end up just like his dad.  
  
When the offer from Wolfram & Hart had come in, it seemed like a miracle. Full tuition, and a guaranteed job when he graduated. In Los Angeles, no less. He couldn't have gotten farther away if he had moved to Tibet.  
  
He had a wonderful job, a beautiful apartment, a fast car and more money than he could handle. It had seemed at the time that he had fulfilled his promise to Sarah. It took a God damned vampire to show him he wasn't something. He was nothing.  
  
"I'm sorry, Sarah," he said softly, "I'll do better this time." 


End file.
